In 20 years of watching the Eurovision Song Contest, I've developed a bit of a reputation for predicting the winner. I've been right 14 times with my pre-contest predictions and 17 times on the night!!! My views on the songs are sometimes brutal, but everybody has their opinion.
This year, I have been asked to publish my pre-contest review of the 36 countries. I would like to make it clear that these are my own opinions, and are not endorsed, agreed with (necessarily) or supported by the team at esctoday.com. If you disagree – and many of you will- that's fair enough. Feel free to post your reaction to my review at the bottom of this page. Please do not swear or use offensive language, and if someone (anybody) agrees with me, it would be nice to hear.
So, without further ado, here are my reviews and predictions for the 2004 Eurovision Song Contest.
1 Finland
Approximately 350,000,000 people will tune into the Eurovision this year, and if Finland was the opening act in the final, only 523 would be left to watch the rest of the show. Tommy Seebach (RIP) could only manage 6th place in 1979 with this song, so Finland must have more chance of hosting the Summer Olympics in Mid January than winning the Eurovision this year! Tango to the toilet, make a cupper and organise your sweepstake during this one. This song probably could probably make the angels and devils feel each other out of sheer desperation!
2 Belarus
I have no doubt that this is a nice song, and in her native language, Anjeza has a lovely voice. This is one of those examples of a song that works best in its own language. To put it plainly, the English version of this song sounds like a drunk cat in a washing machine on full spin! The song's chorus line is 'Round I go, desperate to reach new horizons, circles grow but'… not the Belarus points haul. I think the UK has found someone to take over a certain Eurovision booby prize. Top Tip for Belarus – stick to the native tongue and you'll do ok with this, sing in English and people will be checking their TV speakers for a hamster on the loose.
3 Switzerland
I'm sorry, but this should be disqualified. How much did Sakis and the Greeks pay into a Swiss bank account for this? Cyprus may send their navy to Geneva to protect their default douze points. Confused, OK, the opening line is 'Everybody Shake it, Shake it'! Never in my memory has one country's song openly campaigned for a rival. This truly is a first. Clap your hands for a cross between Estonia's shock 2001 winner 'Everybody' and the Tellytubbies theme tune. Oi Vey! I hope the EBU are planning to run a 'kids get permission before calling' message, or parents will have no money left to buy Christmas presents with.
4 Latvia
How the mighty have fallen. From top to bottom, and now on the up again, I like this song, it's modern, the guitar comes through well and they are brave enough to keep their own language, recording the song in every other language known to mankind!. I do like this and I hope the Latvians make it to the final, although I have my doubts. If this did win the contest, it would be good news for Eurovision.
5 Israel
Some countries have a winning formula. The UK won the Eurovision Song Contest with Sandy Shaw (lost her shoes) and Bucks Fizz (lost their skirts). Israel has won the with a man (who lost something to become a woman), now they are hoping to win in Istanbul with a man who's lost his Adam's Apple. I joke, but this is the best song of 2004. A haunting ballad, great undertones, passion and it can be taken as both a love song and a song of peace. I hope I am proved wrong, but if this song was representing any other country, it would be a big winner. Whilst Israel puts the chicken soup on ice, I fear that the folk of Tel Aviv will be throwing their matzo balls at the TV in frustration. If this song does not get through to the final, it will be a crying shame, but it's important to have a dream.
6 Andorra
Well, I'm a very warm and welcoming person, and on this display, I would wholeheartedly like to welcome Andorra to Eurovision. So will Spain, and I expect their 'douze points' to land in little Andorra's spot on the map. Could this be the great relationship to rival Greece & Cyprus? You heard it here first! The song ainit bad either! They've not given into the old 'must sing in English' routine, and the song is a catchy number. I can see this getting Andorra a top 10 finish and a final berth next year.
7 Portugal
Unquestionably, the two versions of this song prove that for some countries (not Belarus), it's better to sing in English. Magic has a nice tune, although not a winning one. Foi Magia is a candidate for last place. Now, Im not a stiff-lipped Brit who thinks that English is the language of the world (please do read Belarus), but the Portuguese version sounds as disjointed as an English railway track, with dear Sofia choking on a fish bone through the chorus, Portugal are hosting Euro 2004 European Football Championships, so have plenty of opportunity to show off their country and it's native language this year. I suggest that their hopes of victory lie in that championship, because in Eurovision, they appear to be evermore hopeless.
8 Malta
Oh my, Opera hits Eurovision. A love song story, sweet or sickening, I leave to you to decide. If Eurovision was a Walt Disney movie, this would be the song that accompanies the end credits. Luckily it's not, but that's not to say this won't be the song that gets two plays! Stranger things have happened, and, well, I can't rule this one out. It is different, it is fun, and it's made me smile without laughing. This is one of my favorites this year.
9 Monaco
Another likeable entry with huge potential. Only one of two songs in the French lingo club this year, the song is going to pick up points. If fact quite a few, expect top marks from France, Belgium, Switzerland and Malta (I just think Malta will go for this). This song is catchy, the vocals are good, and the tune works. It reminds me of a cetain Sevrine, who quite remarkably, led Monaco to victory in 1752.
10 Greece
Old pink lips will have a mighty task to 'Shake it' as violently as on the clip of his performance that I've seen and maintain a voice worthy of a top finish. What with the shrink-wrapped T-Shirt, bright pink lipstick (or a strangely demented photographer), and a song about a San Francisco quake, this has all the potential to be a high finisher. Confirmed by the poll results coming in across Europe, and for the pure hysterical thought of Greece winning in Turkey, it's tempting to think of this as a winner. On the other hand, it is a dated Ricky Martin-wannabe that I think will be completely forgotten about within three minutes, just wait for song number 12!!! I'm gonna stick my neck out, and at the risk of being pelted with yogurt and feta cheese, say that this song will not reach the final on May 15th.
11 Ukraine
Boom bang a bang, ding a dong and bish bash bosh. Does anyone remember the interval Act in Jerusalem? Well, 'the dance of the biscuit tin' as Terry Wogan called it is back, and this time, it can and will get votes. As Timon and Pumba cheer on one of their own (this song that is another entry clearly written for the sound track of the Lion King), I can't help but think that this song was written about Yugoslavia's 1991 entry, Baby Doll (the ultimate wild dancer at 426 years of age). With an entourage of 21 helpers, hair flowing like water over Niagara Falls and a sound that reminds me very much of Shakira, expect Ukraine to wildly dance through the semi final and achieve a top 5 finish in the final. Thank heavens she's not warbling on about having small and humble breasts, eh?
12 Lithuania
'I Wanna' listen to this again and again. 2004 must be the year of the big break up. Everyone's splitting up with everyone else. Instead of a green room, maybe contestants should sit in 22 / 24 toilet cubicles whilst the results roll in! If the Slovenians get to hear all the rehearsals, I think the Eurovision wedding is in grave danger of cancellation. Oh yes, a comment on the song. I quite like it. What's that Mexican horn doing in the middle of it though? Argh!!! Worked it out, security there's gonna be a ten-paced gun slinging shoot out live at Eurovision!!! STOP THEM!!! Get them to relationship counseling instead.
13 Albania
A decent first effort, although the song makes me feel 'a little crazy' after the second chorus. It's got a decent electric guitar solo, and it will pick up votes, but if Anjeza thinks this will win, I think she really is 'queen of make believe'. Ike and Tina Turner will hear this and ask why this song couldn't have come to them 30 years ago, but hey, retro never left Eurovision.
14 Cyprus
Is this a suicide note? Well? Hello? Someone needs to get a shrink to this girl QUICK!!! She's in deep deep pain, and so is my head! It's the type of song you'd expect Shirley Bassey to boom out, but to me, this is weak. I've tipped Cyprus to win before, stupidly in 2000, but nobody told me that the girl couldn't get the song out live! The only positive for this song is for the first time in my memory, there's a serious shortage of solo women at Eurovision. The downside is that there's no shortage of slow songs this year, and most are stronger than this. My prediction is that Cyprus will get 12 points this year. No, sorry, 10 points, beaten by the Swiss by two points (see above).
15 Macedonia
Good old Tose keeps to traditional tunes with this song. Singing about himself whilst he was not himself, he asks 'who is the judge of my sanity'. Let me answer: No-one!!! Mr. Proeski's preachings are a little simple and the song doesn't strike me as being capable of a top ten finish in the semi final, but that's Life!. Maybe he can tell another story next year?
16 Slovenia
Lenny Cravitz meets Shakira? (Shakira seems to be taking over). Stay forever is a love song about a couple trying to get together, a little dated considering that they will marry before the big night, but I don't think they'll be celebrating their wedding with a big win. The song doesn't stay forever in the mind, which is probably a good thing, and I don't see this making it through to the final. Still, all the best with the marriage, and maybe they can follow up their Eurovision Wedding with a Eurovision Baby, who can sing a nursery rhyme in a few years time?
17 Estonia
Uga baboon. Sugga ulayor eebanmaa. Eelooeerwerywerayayayayay.
Last year's runner up, speeded up, given a base line and round and round we go. Estonia enters Belgium 2003, Switzerland enters with the 2001 winner, Germany, UK, France, Iceland, Croatia, Norway and several others enter Irish early 1990s entries, and we all come back why? Because we love Eurovision! If this wins, I'll eat Turnip soup every night until we all go back to Tallinn! Will they tread on grapes during the dance and make wine for the after show party?
18 Croatia
I seem to remember Croatia entering one or two songs in the past that bare a huge similarity to this entry. Dopey eyed, dark Croatian man mumbling on about love into a strong chorus, but this time the song isn't bad. This is one of my dark horses, if it doesn't send half the continent rushing to stick their heads in a toilet bowl, I can see people voting for this.
19 Denmark
Tap dancing clubs will be rushing to buy this in their thousands, and tele-voters will be voting for it too. It's not a winner, but Denmark comes third in my Scandinavian chart for 2004. Not as catchy as Sweden, not as strong as Norway, but like the map, this won't be too far below them on the score map. Thomas Thordarson's impression of a school teacher works quite well and I firmly expect to see this song in the final.
20 Serbia and Montenegro
I have a major problem with this entry. Here in the UK we have an organisation called the Royal Society for the Protection of Birds, and if you've seen the video to this song, you will agree that The Queen will not be jumping off her throne to vote for Zeljko. Quite why 65,435 ducks have to be plucked for a three-minute video is anyone's guess. Maybe he is making his own wings to fly off of the stage into Eurovision oblivion? Duck-plucking aside, this is a mediocre ballad, instantly forgettable and heading nowhere. The French OGAE have it as their favourite, and they openly admit that it therefore has no chance of winning. At least the song makes the old woman in the video seem mildly attractive… NEXT!
21 Bosnia & Herzegovina
The song Andrew Lloyd Webber left out of Starlight Express! (Possibly due to its similarity to Iceland's 1997 show stopper Paul Oscar & the friendly fishnet stockings). I like this song, it's catchy, and it's intro is definitely hot stuff. My worry for Bosnia is that fans of this song will be in the disco rather than watching the contest. A toe-tapping beat and more than a hint of George Michael, Bosnia is one of the best entries this year.
22 Netherlands
How many times in the last 20 years have the Netherlands been tipped to win, only to come nowhere? Well, this time most are predicting the Netherlands will come nowhere, so obviously I'm going to disagree. I really like this, it reminds me of one or two (hundred) other songs, but this version of Belinda Carlisle's 'World Without You' is very good. Now, I've heard this song, but not seen the performance, and this really does have all the potential to go down like a lead balloon with one or two bum notes (I'm from the UK, so I know all about bum notes), but if they perform, this could get high enough to take us all off to the 'Dam next year. With Switzerland distracted with the 'Vote For Greece' campaign, I doubt they'll mind the Dutch stealing the Yoddle on this occasion!
SEMI FINAL PREDICTED RESULTS:
Top 3: Israel, Ukraine and Bosnia Herzegovina
To Be Joined By: Latvia, Malta, Andorra, Monaco, Lithuania, Denmark, Netherlands
My 11th Placed Reserve: Croatia
Bottom Three (from): Serbia & Montenegro, Switzerland, Cyprus and Slovenia
